Thought I would laugh at myself

[Calli]

Saturday, March 10, 2007

A REAL ALABAMIAN

Current mood: amused

Category: Life

20 Ways To Determine if you are a real Alabamian

1. You can properly pronounce Arab, Cahaba, Opelika , Sylacauga, Oneonta, and Eufaula.

2. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

5. Stores don 't have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and buggies.

6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.

7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

8. You measure distance in minutes. (It's about 5 minutes down the road)

9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.

14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store.

15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy SilveradoExtended Bed Crew Cab is.

16. You know everything goes better with Ranch Dressing.

17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

18. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to send them to your friends.

19. You have used your heater and air-conditioner in the same day!

Finally: You are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this conversation:

20. "You wanna coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr Pepper."

Yes.... its all true hahahaha

Calli

[Eisaac]

I thought helping you out, but you were so good, I'll joke about myself instead!

Here's a few weys to know you're from Israel:

1. To ask if there's a 10% discount for soldiers, even if you've been released for 10 years.

2. To believe in evil eye / evil omen but not addmitting it in public.

3. To think all jews in America are millionnaires.

4. To say "Be good and healthy" (or something alike) to someone you want to go to hell.

5. Not admitting you didn't understand half of the play you saw in London.

6. Forgetting hebrew words after a week in New York.

7. Speaking English so the kids wouldn't understand

8. To think winning the lottery is a matter of time.

9. To say each year that the winner of the beauty contest is ugly.

10. Secretly put talismans in your home, car in child's cart.

11. Never miss the news.

12. To think the falafel booth YOU know is the best in the country.

13. To ask from your travel agent a hotel with no israelis.

14. To buy abroad sports shoes for all the family.

15. To recognize Israelis abroad, even before they open their mouths to speak.

16. Finding out that half the girls color their hair to the same shade.

17. To drive in reverse into a one way street

18. To tell the people who come for donations that we already donated at work.

19. Not admitting you were frightened in the gulf war (The first, when Iraqi missiles did fall in Israel)

20. To miss a heartbeat every time the news start with "The military spokesman says..."

21. To make a list of the checks you recieved for the wedding, and not forgetting to "revenge"

22. Picking your nose while driving because "no one sees"

23. Bragging someone famous grew up in the same neighbourhood and you always beat him up.

24. To know when someone is lying to you when he says "To be honest..."

25. To honk to the car before you, immediately as the lights go green.

26. To stop only at gas station which give a free newspaper.

27. To say (with envy) that a flight attendant is only a waitress.

28. To pray to god only when you need favors.

29. To think "Made in America" is the best

30. To think "Made in Germany" is the strongest

31. To think "Made in Switzerland" is the healthiest

32. To think "Made in the far east" is always junk.

33. Wipe the humous plate till its shiny.

34. To pick sabra cactus and get filled with its thornes, even though it is cheaper to buy it at the store.

35. Not taking the top newspaper on the paper stand.

36. To think your ethnic group is the best (except the Kurds)

37. Answering "It will be better" when asked "How are you doing?"

[Eisaac]

Also, Hollywood and TV gets a whole post.

(Keep in mind... Israel=8,020 Sq. Miles. Alabama=52,420 Sq. Miles)

- To be shocked every time when Israel/Hebrew is used in a film or TV show.

(I almost choked when I saw Dr. Zoidberg wear a shirt with "Slurm" in hebrew on it (at the souvenir shop))

- To be astonished by the number of israeli jews play arabs/terrorists... I think at least 5 israeli jews play arabs on Rambo III.

- To be able to point too many stupid mistakes in army related films... G.I. Jane is as (army related) logical as a flying mammoth. (Don't they ever take a military advisor?!?)

- After seeing Israel/Israelis/Hebrew on TV (Mostly in American films/TV)... to sigh and say "Now I understand why there are people who think we want to rule the world...."

Edited March 18, 2007 by Eisaac

[Piper]

I've seen one like that for Florida, so I found it. Underlining the ones that I've experienced as true:

You know you're from Florida when...

01. "Down south" means Key West.

02. "Panhandling" means going to Pensacola.

03. You think no one over 70 should be allowed to drive.

04. You wait with anticipation for the beginning of crawfish season.

05. Flip-flops are everyday wear.

06. Shoes are for business meetings and church.

07. Sweet tea can be served at any meal.

08. Crackers are people proudly "born and bred" here.

09. Rednecks have cars on cinder blocks, live in trailer parks, and are named Bobby Jo or Bubba.

10. An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.

11. You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or cruise to Florida.

12. You measure distance in minutes.

13. You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

14. You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

15. All the local festivals are named after a fruit.

16. A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

17. You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.

18. You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and Christmas.

19. It's soda, not pop.

20. Anything under 95° is just warm.

21. "D'jalleet" means "Did ya'll eat?"

22. You've hosted a hurricane party.

23. You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.

24. You pass on the right and honk at the elderly.

25. You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.

26. You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee and Withlacoochee.

27. You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.

28. Bumperstickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, the NRA, and a Confederate flag.

29. You were 8 before you realized they made houses without pools.

30. You were 12 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

31. "Fixinto" is one word, as in, "I'm fixinto go to the store."

32. Breakfast might include grits, biscuits and gravy, or country fried steak.

33. You get angry when people say that Florida isn't really part of the south.

34. You've worn shorts and used the AC on Christmas.

35. You know what the "stingray shuffle" is, and why it's important.

Edited March 18, 2007 by Blair

[kodoz]

Duping the Pipers. Underlined ones are ones ive experienced.

You Know You're From Georgia When...

If someone says "What'll Ya have" at a restaurant, you automatically know they worked at the Varsity.

When someone asks you where the Varsity is, You know because no good Georgia boy would be caught dead without having eaten at one at least once.

You see fast-food joints devoted entirely to hot dogs.

On the road, other drivers wave at you for no apparent reason.

While driving through a random tiny town, you see a sign that reads: "Home of the Wild Hog Festival".

You see scraggly cotton plants on the side of the road that look so pathetic you think they might have survived being stomped on by the Union Army.

Ironically, you only crave Chik-Fil-A on Sundays..when it’s closed.

You pass through small town after small town that looks like an abandoned horror movie set.

Sweet tea is THE drink. No questions.

When a waitress asks what you want to drink and you say Coke, she asks "What kind?"

"Ya'll" is a word.

Atlanta is known as "The City."

You know the difference between a hillbilly, a redneck, and a Southerner.

The one way to be killed in .5 seconds is to talk about somebody's mama or talk bad to somebody's mama.

Krispy Kreme dounuts are the only kind of dounuts you eat.

Fried chicken is a major part of your diet.

On one side of the road there's Wal-Mart and on the other is a cotton field

You greet people with"Howdy, Whachu doin?"

You know what a 'dawg' is.

You know people who consider a six pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

You still call the refrigerator the "icebox".

You call it a cold Christmas if you don't break out in a sweat in your new sweater.

When a single snowflake falls, the entire state shuts down, even if it doesn’t stick. The radio and TV news will make snowstorm reports every 10 minutes and the grocery store will be completely sold out of bread, milk, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer.

You know at least three streets named "Peachtree"

You don't know anyone who drinks Pepsi.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

People actually grow, eat and like okra!

Your last words might be, “Y’all watch this.”

Herschel Walker, Larry Munson, Sid Bream, Hank Aaron are legends.

[Guest Charlie]

ok i could do two

You know youre a mainer when....

1. you know what a doh yahd is

2. your sick of eating lobster again!!

3. winter lasts form september until may

4. 40 degrees temperature... time to take out the shorts!!Woo Hoo!

5. you realise ''you cant get theya from heya''

6. canadian money is as common as american

7. you forget the real color of your truck because its been dirty so long and salt whitened

8. you have tourists drive onto your yard for pictures

9. you dont go in the ocean because its ICE cold!!!

10. you notice you cant keep up with the rat race because your too used to slow mode

11. every road you call ''the'' ''well you go up the bangor road and turn onto the winkumpaugh road....''

your a jersiate when...

1. you like either bon jovi or the boss

2. you never notice the pollution until your out of state

3. you say goin' ''down the shore''

4. there is a Wawa every 1/2 mile

5. youve been held up at least once in your lifetime

6. youve been stuck on rt 42 or 295 for hours

7. youve almost been killed on a circle

8. Atlantic City is your second home

9. your either a die hard eagles/flyers fan or a giants/devils fan

10. you know very well the agony of playoff defeat

Edited March 19, 2007 by Charlie

[Eisaac]

And here are some more on my great country!

1. It's the only country where 61% are against the security strip but only 12% know what it is.

2. It's probably the only country where the unemployed go on strikes.

3. It's the only country where the "Cross country Highway" is shorter than half its length.

4. "Ben Gurion 2000 International Airport" was opened at the end of 2004.

5. It's probably the only country where (Goverment related):

- A 101 year old Rabbi starts a new (parliament) party.

- There are two ministers of treasury, and they're both pennyless.

- The prime minister cannot be a defense minister, by the decision of a national comitee

- The opposition forgot to run a candidate for mayor in its capital city.

- Congress members who chose the right to be silent, can't keep their mouth shut.

6. It's the only country where Missiles from Iraq Landed, Katyushas (rockets) from Lebanon, Suicide bombers from Gaza and bombshells from Syria, and still a 3-room appartment costs like in Paris.

7. It's the only place where the Israeli typical meal consists of: Arabian Salad, Romanian Kebab, Iraqi Pita (Bread) and Bavarian Cream... We must like anti-Semitic foods.

8. It's probably the only country where the man in the open shirt with the spot is the minister, and man beside him, in the suit and tie, is his driver.

9. It's probably the only country you leave home at 18 (to the army) but you keep living there until you're 24.

10. It's probably the only place where you can get a shuttle-flying-software, but you need to wait a week to get your washing machine repaired... and if at it, it's probably the only place the time unit "(I'll be there to fix the washing machine) between 10:00 and 18:00"

11. It's probably the only place where in every first date you ask the girl where she was in the army

12. and it's probably the only place where she: Outranks you and/or in a better fighting unit than you were.

13. It's by far the only place where, in the week of passover, McDonalds sell Hamburger with cheese (which is not kosher) in a kosher-for-passover Bun. (and it's considered torture to describe the taste of the kosher bun. So y'all have to imagine )

and that's because it's allowed to sell not kosher (thank GOD!!!, not that I am religious ) but there is a law against selling regular bread on the week of passover.

Edited March 19, 2007 by Eisaac

[Calli]

I am so glad everyone is enjoying this topic... So in the interest of keeping it going... I thought I would include what else I have found.

Alabama Dumb Laws

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.

It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.

It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

You must have windshield wipers on your car.

You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

Masks may not be worn in public.

Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

You may not drive barefooted.

It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

Incestous marriages are legal.

Anniston

You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.

Jasper

It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.

Lee County

It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.

Mobile

It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.

It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.

Montgomery

It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)