Journal Entry: The Magi Self

[Balandar]

NBBN: 16661-??????

Oftentimes I feel like an outsider and not connected to others. Perhaps "observer" would be the correct definition. It's difficult for me to put into words this disconnected feeling.

I recently was watching a small group of commoners discussing their jobs at a tavern, each person agreeing or disagreeing with the current topic, as if it was the most important aspect of their lives. It was all very mundane on the surface discussions. None of it was from deeper within, or thought provoking, from their true selves, simply automated responses.

I see the same automated responses in couples or in men attempting to attract a woman to his bedside. And the surprising part, they all accept it! They do not question where these questions, reactions, and emotions stem from. And what does it matter? In the end, these simple conversations about the weather, their jobs, relationships, hobbies, all of this surface chatter is meaningless.

Perhaps it's due to the art that is forcing me to take a look at myself. I was part of that mundane crowd before completely accepting the art. I didn't question my actions or reactions as an archer and thief. I just went through life surviving day to day, living on the surface without knowing what drove me. But now... I need to know more.

I realize I'm not a good person in the typical sense. Even as a thief I had my beliefs and ideas that I was good on some level, and not evil, but it didn't stem from within, it was from the labels others gave me. Even now, I believe others view me as evil like they believe of the obsidians. This is not the case. My actions may involve some of the dark arts and undeath. My intention is nothing more than to progress my understanding of the art.

My actions and reactions may appear as "evil" to others, but not from my perspective. So, does that make me evil? Am I to accept what others label me, let it control who I am?

A few months back I came across a demon dismembering a kobold. I rather enjoyed the show. They are both creatures considered evil, the demon more so than the kobold. The demon kills without thought or justification, it kills for the pure joy of killing. Does that make me evil, to enjoy watching such sheer power destroy another living creature? And yes, I did enjoy watching the demon destroy another one of my enemies. But, the real joy I feel stems from the thought of harnessing the demon's power, not so much the killing itself. The thought of controlling such power is what causes me elation. But onlookers would see that wicked gleam in my eye as evil.

There are many people out there that do horrible things in the name of good, and yet they are worshiped and praised. And still, they say practicing the dark arts is considered evil...

This external input, these labels, can be damaging to a Magi if it's not recognized. A Magi cannot let this external input drive their actions and reactions. As a Magi you need, no, must have an understanding of your true self in order to fully feel and harness the source of all magic. There is no other way. To practice the art requires great self-knowledge and acceptance. I am becoming more aware of my true self daily, my strengths, my fears.

Everyone, on some level, is driven by fear. Not the fear of snakes or some other on-the-surface phobia. No, the root of those fears. The fear of being harmed or causing harm, fear of being controlled, of not being loved, of not having or losing your faith, of your surrounding environment, of the unknown, of failure...

Once you understand your fears, where they stem from, and you become aware of your reactions and why those reactions occur, you can control your actions and your thoughts. You can find that inner calm, that ocean of peace within. You will no longer fear, you'll find true strength from within. You'll feel the art as tangible as grasping a wand in your hand.

Once you come to terms with your inner self, you will be able to tap into the flow of magic and become greater than you ever imagined possible.

Edited January 11, 2017 by Balandar